The polar vortex is coming to Iowa. I know “Polar Vortex” may sound like the name of a Canadian rock band. But before you rush out to buy tickets, you might first want to find the match to one of those three left gloves stuffed into your coat pocket.

“The atmosphere is at a critical juncture,” warns MIT climatologist Judah Cohen. This is nothing you want to hear as you make holiday travel plans. Our atmosphere is always supposed to be complimentary and supportive, never critical. Cohen explains that a stratospheric warming event would be “extraordinary, even unique.” Warming in the atmosphere may sound cozy but apparently 10 or 20 miles up, there is this rubber band of warm air that becomes unstable and upsets the delicate balance, dumping a river of cold air on the Earth. And now the Des Moines Register is warning that Iowa could be in for much colder weather and lots of snow from Thanksgiving into December.

Already we are seeing signs that the dreaded vortex is affecting the US. In Florida, iguanas are falling from trees like walnuts. It turns out when the temperature drops below 50 degrees, these tropical lizards go into a kind of hibernation and lose muscle control. All across South Florida, iguanas are passing out and hitting the pavement to the horror of pedestrians and to the delight of cats. Actually, the fall rarely injures the lizards. When the temperature rises, they wake up disoriented with a headache, demanding that nobody talks to them until they’ve had their coffee.

Blackhawk County is having some fun with the impending polar vortex with a contest for naming three of the county’s 22 snowplows. Last year’s winning entries include: Alice Scooper, Scoop Dogg and Darth Blader (as in blade, not bladder—I shouldn’t have to explain that.) Winners get a “I Named a BHC Snowplow” t-shirt and their choice of exciting prizes like tickets to the Hartman Reserve Maple Syrup Festival.

I’m sure you can think of some good snowplow names. How about, “Snow Problem” or “Cold Shoulder” or “Glacial Uber” (as in a really slow Uber)? Or “Emotional Support Plow”. We’ve had such wimpy winters lately that a real Iowa winter could come as a shock. Winter storms used to be so bad in this state that the word “blizzard” was invented to describe an Iowa snow storm. According to the National Weather Service, in order to qualify as a genuine blizzard, a storm must include heavy falling snow and winds above 35 miles an hour. What do you name a snowplow stuck in a blizzard, miles from a bathroom? Darth Bladder?