I really wasn’t trying to get something for nothing. At least not at first.

After years of talking about it and putting off the decision, my wife and I finally took the first step toward remodeling our kitchen. Our old linoleum was a kind of mustard yellow (unless it was really some other color and that was actual mustard) and it had a non-slip texture that trapped dirt and held onto it for dear life. Over the years, the cupboards doors had begun to take on moisture and swell so much that they no longer completely closed. And, the appliances, though technically functional, were a sad commentary on what can happen if you refuse to join the 21st Century.

We went to one of the big box stores with the intension of getting all new appliances at the same time and be home for lunch. But the gleaming rows of stainless-steel refrigerators towered over us, their vault-like doors gaping, threatening to devour us and freeze us for later. We quickly moved on to the dishwashers. We learned that some dishwashers have little squirters under the silverware tray and some models can connect to your wi-fi. Why? Because they can.

But my attention was drawn to the sleek induction ranges. Rather than using natural gas or primitive electric heating coils for burners, induction works by magic. Or magnetism or something scientific and incomprehensible. Induction won’t work with aluminum cookware (like we have)—only steel or cast iron.

“You’re in luck,” our sales rep enthused, “there is a special rebate on this model that doubles your warranty.” He waited for us to be impressed. “A value of $195!” Okay. “Absolutely free!” Now you’re talking. “Just go to this web site and sign up.”

We bought the range that runs on magic and the matching microwave and when I got home, I went to the web site for my free warranty upgrade. “We’re sorry,” it replied. “Your order is not eligible for the rebate.” I felt there was some mistake, there was another website I could go to. I did and again, I was turned down. So, I called the store where a sympathetic manager assured me I was eligible and had me dial a special 855 number.

A cheery woman with a strong Southern accent answered. “I’m sorry,” she said, “you dialed the wrong number.” Apparently, I had dialed the Department of Disappointment. It seems the company has a special branch dedicated to denying rebate applications and inviting angry customers to try again. And again. “You’re not qualified for the extended warranty,” she said. “But did you know you get a really nice five-piece set of induction cookware?” I looked it up. She was right. It was worth $300.

The process of applying for the cookware was laborious. Laughing, the rebate lady confessed she was dyslexic so over the next hour and a half, we filled out form after form as I repeated my email address and the 18-digit transaction number and the 9-digit order number. Over and over again. She was so entertaining, I actually had fun. The next day, I received an email from the company, informing me I was not eligible for the cookware set. But if I thought there was some mistake, there was a number I could call. Suddenly, I understood. They wanted me to BUY the cookware set. I had already invested hours in it. And it was really nice cookware.