Are you tired of being “Iowa Nice” while the meanies have all the fun? Do you yearn to be belligerent? Are you longing to make strangers afraid of you?
Then you’re in luck because the Iowa House recently passed a bill that allows drivers to purchase for $50 a “Don’t Tread on Me” license plate complete with a picture of a coiled rattlesnake, ready to strike. And this is no empty threat because—get this—the money goes to the National Rifle Association! More guns for everybody!
The motto and snake image comes from the famous Gadsden Flag, displayed in the early days of the American Revolution as a warning from the colonists to their British overlords not to infringe on their rights. At the time, this was a brave and bold threat coming from a puny ragtag rabble to a country with the greatest navy in the world. But today, in the absence of a righteous revolution, the yellow Gadsden Flag is little more than a peevish expression of unspecified aggression. It says, “Look at me. I’m dangerous!”
Democrats have proposed amendments to House File 2639 that would direct the money away from the NRA to LGBTQ advocacy or the NAACP, as if they are trying their best to be annoyingly woke. I mean, this is license plate money—shouldn’t it go to fixing roads and bridges or something?
It’s not as if Republicans need to worry that there might not be enough guns to go around. The House okayed $3 million to, among other things, distribute weapons to school personnel. Rep. Adam Zabner, D-Iowa City incredulously asked Rep. Carter Nordman, R-Panora, the bill’s sponsor if the money could be used to buy guns for teachers. Nordman said it could. “That is ridiculous,” replied Zabner. “It is shameful.” I have always had the greatest respect for teachers and, having witnessed what terror Mrs. Tenney, my Iowa History teacher could inflict with just a ruler, I think it would have been entirely unnecessary to give her a gun.
In any case, I think selling threatening and insulting Iowa license plates could not only be a great money maker for the IDOT, but it could make driving around the state a lot more entertaining. They could use that quote from the movie “Dirty Harry,” “Make my day!” or “Stupidity is not a crime. You’re free to go.” Or “Sorry, it’s hereditary.” Or “You should use glue instead of Chapstick.” How about, “I admire the way you try so hard.” Or something really snarky like, “I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.” Or get personal. “You’re so ugly, you could make a freight train take a dirt road.” Or, “You changed your mind. Does the new one work any better?”
So just because there is no war and the economy is pretty good, it doesn’t mean I’m not entitled to cook up a little road rage. Yeah, I’m from Iowa—so what? And don’t call me “nice!”