We are mere weeks away from America’s strangest and best-loved holiday, Halloween. It’s got everything: terror, humor, goofy costumes, pranks, running wild in the dark, knocking on strangers’ doors and most of all…free candy.
But, as every trick-or-treater knows, not all Halloween candy is created equal. And whether you’re a kid sorting through your stash at the end of the night or a parent deciding what candy to buy, it’s important to have a proper ranking—like the Academy Awards.
Let me first say, for all Iowans, that the award for Best Candy does not go to Candy Corn. Candy Corn doesn’t even taste like corn (thank goodness). In fact, I can’t tell what flavor it is. I’ve taken an informal survey and the results are: nobody likes Candy Corn. And yet—fun fact—the National Confectioners’ Association reports that every year, they sell 35 million pounds of the stuff. But do kids eat them or throw them at each other? Who knows? But, let’s get this out of the way, the award for Best Halloween Candy goes to… Reese’s Cups! They’ve got real chocolate, real peanut butter, they’re loaded with calories and sugar. They’re awesome. Congratulations.
The award for Most Boring Halloween Candy goes to Smarties. They look like Vitamin C pills, they taste like dust, the pastel colors are dreary. Nobody looks into their bag and eats these first.
There were many strong contenders for Most-Stuck-in-Your- Teeth award, but this year’s prize goes to Airheads that simultaneously loosens your fillings and (unlike Smarties) insults your intelligence. Other runner-up’s include Twix, Gummy Worms, Milk Duds and, of course, Butterfingers which are delicious and also make excellent drywall spackling.
In the Longest-Lasting candy category, the award goes to the traditional favorite, Tootsie Roll Pops. Sure, if you’re impatient and bite one, it’s like chewing broken glass with something disturbingly soft inside (your tongue?). But if eaten as directed, a Tootsie Roll Pop can get you through an entire study hall.
According to the latest government statistics, the price of Halloween candy shot up 13.1 percent last month alone. So, for smart shoppers, the award for Best Bulk Halloween Candy goes to Kirkland Signature All Chocolate Bag. The Costco deal packs 150 assorted name brand candies into one gut-busting bag—all for $23. If trick-or-treaters stay home again this year the way they did during Covid, you’ll still be nibbling your way through this by Valentine’s Day.
The award for Most Snobby Halloween Candy goes to Lily’s Caramel Milk Chocolate Bars. These effete treats are so PC, they contain no sugar (sweetened with stevia—e-e-w!), they are gluten free and are fair trade certified. And, get this— a pack of twelve 2.8-ounce bars will set you back 60 bucks! Even for Halloween, that’s terrifying.
And now for the award most relevant to trick-or-treaters, the winner of the Halloween Candy Most Likely to Make You Sick is…3 Musketeers. These vomitous candy bars are a demonic concoction of fluffy mousse (mouse?) caramel and chocolate. Generally found languishing at the bottom of the bag by the time a kid is already feeling queasy from too much sugar, these cloying candies go down like a gulp of Mrs. Butterworth’s pancake syrup. Never again, they say. Well, not until next Halloween.