Mary McCall and Annie Brownsberger presented about death doulas at Thursday, Oct. 17’s Lester Buresh Family Community Wellness Center’s adult speaker series.
Before the speech occurred, the duo invited attendees to talk about what brought them to the event. Many spoke about their own experiences dealing with the grief of losing a loved one or learning more about these people they have rarely heard of before.
Brownsberger explained that every doula is different, and has different wounds or items they are looking to help someone or their family work through.
“It’s important for a family to find the doula that will work for you,” Brownsberger said.
Doulas are non-medical, while hospice care is medical.
“Hospice helps to get items like supplies, medications and materials,” Brownsberger said. “What doulas can do is help families facilitate some of those requests, to slow that process down and talk about real practical things that come near the end of life.”
One of the biggest challenges that doulas help with are what Brownsberger call the RUGS — regrets, unfinished business, guilt and shame.
“Those four items are sometimes what keep family members holding on, or may be what those who are still living are also grappling with,” Brownsberger said. “Sometimes a third person coming in can soften a space to help people work through those.”
McCall said that dealing with family dynamics is one of her strengths as a doula. Coming from a family of twelve, and having lost three brothers to cancer, she knows how rough that grief can be.
“We try to make sure everyone is on the same page and help to find the way they can support a loved one in the last hours,” McCall said. “Could they work through any of those RUGS with one of us?”
There’s also work to make sure family members know what areas someone is able to help or provide strength from.
McCall said that one thing she always finds is best — if you have an advanced directive, it’s best to have that f inished sooner and have those communications with as many people before you go.
“That doesn’t take away the loss of you from your family, but it does take away a lot of stress for the ambiguity these can cause,” McCall said.
While Iowa is not a state that allows people to participate in medically aided suicide for end of life care, doulas can find states that allow that if it is an option someone is looking for.
One of the ways people might experience someone passing away is voluntary stopping of eating or drinking (VSTED).
“That’s a way end of life advances for some with degenerative diseases, is if they can no longer feed themselves, they don’t want that care to be a burden for someone else,” McCall said. “We will help families understand why that choice was made. That doesn’t mean everyone has to agree with the decision, but it can mean that they will show up for that person in those f inal days.”
For doulas, some of it is just being there to listen to people’s concerns as a person is passing away, to help take some of their anxiety away.
An attendee asked about the longest case someone was on. McCall said her longest was probably a span of a year from a client choosing to go on hospice.
McCall said it is great that the networks of death doulas is growing in Iowa City and Johnson County, again highlighting having multiple strengths others bring to the community at large.
“If my strengths are not what will work for you, there are other people that may have strengths that work for you,” McCall said.
“Death work is community work, and has been for decades,” Brownsberger said.
There are multiple training resources and accreditations out there for doulas, depending on the focus they have.
“We’d rather this practice be more organic and not regulated,” Brownsberger said.
Costs can be as high as $2,500 for six months to work with a death doula, but the organization won’t turn people away due to lack of funds.
There is a Living Well Conference planned in Coralville in May 2025.