Last week Sen. Joni Ernst would have choked on a pork chop if Rand Paul hadn’t done the Heimlich on her. It was all over the news—Joni hasn’t had this much publicity since she first won the hearts of Iowans with her campaign ad, “I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm,” promising her pork-cutting efforts would “make ‘em squeal” in Washington.
Little did Ernst know, grinning next to Charles Grassley at the Cattleman’s Association dinner for a photo op that the pork she was holding was nearly her last meal.
Fortunately, Rand Paul, a medical doctor was nearby and performed the Heimlich maneuver, clearing the obstruction and probably saving her life. And if there’s anything Rand Paul knows about, it’s obstruction. The Kentucky libertarian is famously opposed to disaster relief and gun control; he has successfully blocked a bill preventing a judge’s personal information from appearing online; he’s blocked a bill banning government use of Tik Tok; he single-handedly blocked Cybersecurity legislation and threatened to block any bill to keep the government open if it included aid to Ukraine. And he’s opposed to the Affordable Care Act. (Joni was quick to thank him. But wait until she gets his bill!)
While he’s at it, Dr. Paul should give Tommy Tuberville the Heimlich, removing his massive obstruction of military appointments before he turns blue. In fact, maybe all of Paul’s colleagues could line up and get a dose whether they need it or not (like castor oil). And what about Trump? A Heimlich might be just the thing for his gag order.
Not passing up an opportunity to capitalize on her moment in the spotlight, Ernst Tweeted (or whatever they call it now—“Xed?”), “Can’t help but choke on the woke policies Dems are forcing down our throats.” This might not have been the right time for a weak, knee-jerk partisan joke. Plus, didn’t DeSantis already show that the war on “woke” is a non-starter? Maybe Joni had been talking over dinner about how Trump won the last election and the Big Lie got stuck in her throat. She’s clearly biting off more than she can chew. In any case, Joni should be taking smaller bites. What does she think she is—a pelican?
Since Dr. Heimlich invented his maneuver in 1974, the procedure, performed mostly by non-medical folks, has saved thousands of lives. In 1976, an aide saved Ronald Reagan from choking on a peanut. At the AT&T Pebble Beach golf tournament in 2014, Clint Eastwood performed the maneuver on the tournament director Steve John. Actor/comedian Dan Aykroyd once did the Heimlich on Carrie Fisher when she was choking on a brussels sprout. She recalled, “He saved my life and then he asked me to marry him.” They got rings and everything, but she went back to Paul Simon instead.
When he was 96 years old, Dr. Heimlich performed his eponymous maneuver on 87-year-old Patty Ris at a nursing home in Cincinnati. An employee of the facility told the Cincinnati Enquirer, “Typically, a staff member would do it,” he said, “but it is Dr. Heimlich.” The retired physician remarked that the experience was “very gratifying” – especially considering it was the first time he actually had to use it.
Living in Iowa: Joni gets a Heimlich and Rand Paul gets almost likable
December 7, 2023