Weather services are predicting it will be cold on Halloween. Let’s hope they’re wrong because Halloween is one of the best holidays of the year for kids. They get to roam the streets in the dark, collect tons of free candy and dress up, pretending to be creepy, horrible supernatural creatures.
Of course, kids know they don’t really become monsters and zombies on Halloween. I suspect former candidate for US Senator Herschel Walker knew he couldn’t really become a vampire or a werewolf, although he did discuss this dilemma while on the campaign trail.
Walker informed his audience, “I don’t know if you know, but vampires are some cool people, are they not? But let me tell you something that I found out: a werewolf can kill a vampire. Did you know that? I never knew that. So, I don’t want to be a vampire any more. I want to be a werewolf.”
Maybe Walker’s inside scoop on werewolves resonated with the voters of Georgia because his opponent, Raphael Warnock (who has never identified as either a werewolf or a vampire) squeaked to only a 51-49 % victory.
Walker expounded on the theology of vampires to make a political point. He noted that when battling a vampire, a cross and holy water “don’t even work unless you’ve got faith. We gotta have faith.”
Or you’ve got to have an imagination like a kid. Like Donald Trump. It’s often hard to follow Trump’s train of thought. He was in Iowa recently to campaign for president and complain about stuff he doesn’t like, including electric cars. He started out trying to get farmers on his side by praising ethanol—which is used in gasoline—which is used in non-electric cars. Then, he quickly turned to complaining about batteries. “The problem is their batteries are so heavy the boats can’t carry them. They would sink.” By this time Trump was lost at sea in the uncharted eddies and whirlpools of his mind, imagining himself sitting on a big, heavy battery in a sinking boat, about to become electrocuted. Then, out of nowhere, he sees a shark coming towards his battery boat. Oh no!
“So I have a choice of electrocution or shark,” explained the former president, clearly disturbed over the made-up dilemma. (Vampire or werewolf? Decisions, decisions.) “You know what I’m going to take?” By this time, Trump figures he’s got his audience on the edge of their seats, having forgotten all about ethanol and healthcare and the rising cost of farmland, desperate to know which excruciating form of death Donald Trump would choose. “I’m going to take electrocution,” he said. “I will take electrocution every single time.” (You’d think after three or four electrocutions, he might try the shark once just for a change.) Trump then said in all seriousness, “I’m not a big fan of sharks.”
Trump ought to call up his pal Herschel Walker and ask if werewolves can kill sharks. That kind of information might come in handy if he ever finds himself, sitting on a battery in a leaky boat surrounded by great white sharks.
Living in Iowa: Halloween is a time to let your imagination run wild
October 26, 2023