Money is stupid. We all know it’s phony and yet we persist in pretending it’s real. A $1 bill is the same size and printed on the same paper as a $100 bill. And what’s the difference? Just the numbers on the paper and despite what some mathematicians claim, numbers are just stuff we made up. So why are so many politicians and economists getting their knickers in a knot about the prospect of the government minting a $1 trillion platinum coin to cover the country’s bills when Republicans refuse to raise the debt ceiling? Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen calls the plan a “gimmick” while other critics charge that it would be creating money out of thin air. (Well, duh? Where else do they think money comes from?)
The way the plan would work is that the Treasury Secretary would authorize the minting of a unique coin with the face value of one trillion dollars. Then some responsible individual would deposit it in the government’s checking account and we’d be good to go. Is it a gimmick? Of course. The most dangerous consequence of the plan is that it would expose the essential fakeness of money in general and from then on, no reasonable person would take it seriously.
Well, there is one other problem. Who could be trusted to transport a coin over to the Federal Reserve that’s worth more than Nebraska and General Motors combined? Would they carry it in the pocket with their Tic Tacks and change from Starbucks? Would they have an armed guard with—like—the entire US Marine Corps? Since members of Congress can’t agree on anything, they would probably resort to picking somebody at random and end up with Lindsay Graham who would start marching resolutely toward the Reserve until distracted by sudden breeze from an open window and absent-mindedly use the $1 trillion coin in a vending machine to buy a Baby Ruth.
Once the special platinum coin gets into circulation the real trouble begins. Some guy comes up to the counter at Casey’s with a package of Ding Dongs and a Diet Coke and pulls out the strange coin. “Can I get change for a trillion dollars?”
The manager rolls her eyes. “What do I look like, Nancy Pelosi? Try the Dairy Queen.”
Soon, the Russians will start counterfeiting the $1 trillion coins by the thousands and before long, they’ll be piling up in desk drawers and ash trays like those fake gold Sacagawea $1 coins nobody wants, annoying Salvation Army Santas who have to pick them out of their red collection buckets.
Even if the coins were real—let’s be honest—nobody wants a trillion dollars. You’d never have a moment’s peace. And besides, a trillion is mostly zeros anyway.
Living in Iowa: A trillion dollar coin isn’t worth the platinum it’s minted on
October 14, 2021