I know that AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) is a wonderful organization. They fight for the rights of the elderly, they offer affordable insurance, they have discounts on cool stuff like Metamucil. And, of course, there’s the free tote bag. I just wish they’d stop stalking me.
I’m sure AARP means well. But it’s like the minute you turn 50, you belong to them. You start getting these letters telling you that you’re old. (Thanks, I knew that.) And because you are old, you need to be part of the AARP organization.
It’s like getting a telegram, announcing that you are a long-lost member of the Hickinlooper Highlander family of Hogback, Ark., and you are now entitled to wear the family kilt — available at a special discount.
But what if I don’t want anyone to know I’m a Hickinlooper Highlander?
The nice folks at AARP are patiently taking over the world by their sheer persistence. They don’t mind if you ignore their invitation to join up. They are happy to send you another one. And another one. And another one, until you get tired and give in.
They know you are tired — because you’re old. They are confident that eventually, they will wear you down and one day, you will open their letter and say to yourself, “You know? That is a handy-looking tote bag!”
I live in Johnson County and it was recently announced that we are the first county in Iowa to become part of the AARP Network of Age-Friendly States and Communities. (I feel like I’m being surrounded.)
Jeff Kellbach, a Johnson County Aging Specialist observed, “The 55-plus population of Johnson County continues to be one of the fastest growing age groups due to the strong support services and high-quality healthcare available in the area.”
Or maybe it’s just because we are getting so old.
The Johnson County Ageing Policy Board’s mission statement says that the community is a place where “everyone can age successfully.” As opposed to what? Why beat around the bush? If you’re unsuccessful at aging, that doesn’t mean you going to start getting younger.
The AARP website for senior citizens is full of helpful hints and fallback positions. If you want to know your BMI (Body Mass Index), AARP can tell you exactly how fat you are. There are articles detailing how you can look better at your age. (Better than what?) There is piece about yoga with a photo of a stretchy-looking older lady (with an enviable BMI) explaining how to become more flexible.
And here I thought one of the benefits of getting older was the right to become more rigid. Why would I want to touch my toes these days? As I recall, I didn’t enjoy it the last time I did it. This is not to say that it wouldn’t be useful learning to recognize pills by their shapes and colors and memorize trendy slang words to impress the grandkids.
I appreciate all the effort AARP is making to help me “age successfully,” but can’t I just age anonymously?
Sooner or later AARP will get us all
September 2, 2021